19sept2018

Been feeling down for months now. Not sure if it’s the pregnancy making me crazy, and I’m so tired of everything being connected to it but it is, or just…the way I am.

Had drastic changes in my life, mainly because the first trimester was so hard I couldn’t eat, drink, work, or do anything for close to a month. Day in, day out, I just vomit, and sleep, and yes sleep was all I could do because otherwise I’d be throwing up.

It’s hard. Feeling that way. The physical discomfort is one thing, but the mental and emotional toll is quite another. I couldn’t go to work. I couldn’t do anything. I was helpless. I was useless. Got called “lazy ever since I got pregnant.” Which I think is very unfair because feeling lethargic isn’t something I have control over, and yes I already know I have responsibilities but I just couldn’t get to them because I couldn’t leave the bed without heaving and burying my face in that bucket. It really hurt and it’s still something I think about because I didn’t want to be this helpless. I wanted to do stuff but I couldn’t and I don’t know why it sounds so simple but I’m not sure if I’m getting my point across.

On top of that I really don’t have anyone to talk to about it. That’s hard, I realize. I have so many questions, so many thoughts, so may ideas, but everyone’s busy and just can’t tend to the pregnant lady stuck in her bed cos the whole world keeps spinning regardless. So I just keep to myself…which was a horrible idea, in retrospect.

Six months in I’m back to hating myself. A few months ago I couldn’t wait to give birth because I wanted to meet my baby but sometimes I chastise myself for wishing to give birth so that I could finally die without harming her. Or him. I’m back to that place where I wish I was someone else or that I wish I could die, only now it’s a matter of when because I can’t just go yet while someone’s growing inside me, you know?

And I’m scared to tell anyone that because it’s a horrible thought and I hate myself for thinking that, I hate myself for being back to that place…I hate myself.

Only thing to do now is to survive everyday, for three more months, at least, and if I gain some will to live by then, then that’s great. If not I’ll just keep on being like this because let’s be honest I feel like I wanna die, my mind tells me I wanna die, but I don’t see myself doing it. Maybe that’s a sign that I’m not yet in too deep and there’s still hope? I don’t know. Don’t wanna keep my hopes up that much. Just survive, I guess.